Code Red
by Rosa Cotton
Summary: COMPLETE 2319! 2319! There’s a Mary Sue loose in Peter Pan! "Shoot the Birdie"
1. Mother Knows Best

Disclaimer: _Peter Pan_, all characters, places, and related terms belong to J.M. Barrie.

Author's Note: Rating is for Mary Sue bashing and death. My humble attempt at writing humor.

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Code Red

Mother Knows Best

"Oh! You were so brave, Peter-poo!!" Mary Susanna Crawford gushed, now that all had ended well after the little skirmish between the pirates and lost boys. She tossed her head, reminding everyone of her great childish beauty: long reddish-golden locks (every hair perfectly in place), a fair complexion (freckle-free, unlike others she could name), rosebud mouth (with ten hidden kisses), and bright green eyes (they matched Peter's exactly, so of course it was a sign they were soul mates).

"Yes, I know!" Peter proudly agreed. Looking at the girl beside him, he saw the adoration shining in her eyes. Throwing his head back, he let out a crow.

From the back of the group Wendy frowned darkly. She was scandalized how unashamedly cheap this girl was being with Peter. He, however, basked in all the attention and flattery. The other boys had all fallen over themselves around Mary when she had first joined the gang. It had been pitiful to see. Yet Mary had quickly made known her preference for Peter and, it being returned, the boys soon were left to mope about.

"You are the most wonderful boy in the whole world!"

Wendy grimaced at Mary's high-pitched, sugary sweet tone, and sighed with despair as Peter let out another loud crow.

"Mother! Mother, look!" the twins called in one excited voice, drawing her attention to them and the huge cake with thick icing they were carrying between them.

Everyone talked at once.

"We found it—"

"—over there in the brush!"

"How delightful!"

"It looks so good!"

"May we please have some?"

Wendy firmly took the cake from the twins. Inspecting the mouthwatering treat, she shook her head. "I'm afraid this cake is much too rich for you all."

"But I want cake _now!!_" Mary cried, stamping her foot delicately. Dragging Peter by the hand, she stormed over to Wendy and grabbed a handful of cake and shoved it in her mouth over the girl's protests. It was _so_ rich and good! And heavy, gooey, sickly, and… Uh oh…

THUD! Mary fell to the ground like a tree. Just as Hook had planned, the poisoned icing did its fateful work. Only instead of killing Pan, Mary was the unlucky one. POOF! She disappeared in a flash of hot pink smoke and sparkles.

Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending how you looked at it), there was no tears or laments for Mary Susanna Crawford's passing/disappearing.

"You see!" Peter cried and wagged a disapproving finger at his band. "Never, ever start eating before your Captain does. Or else I will banish you forever like I did Kitty!"

Expression at first stern, then quickly crumbling into a cocky smile – it was hard for Peter to be serious, after all – he led the others in a delightful game of tag.


	2. I Do!

I Do!

"It is perfectly romantic the way you talk about girls," Mary cooed, staring at Peter like he was cotton candy.

The boy shrugged, feeling slightly uncomfortable. The way this strange girl was looking at him she might be related to the mermaids in some weird way. Had to keep a careful eye on girls like that.

"I should like to play wedding with you!" She grinned eagerly, pointedly ignoring the loud gasp that came from the bed behind Peter.

"What's 'wedding'?" Peter asked slowly.

"We are married," Mary explained, smoothing her pink nightgown and shining hair. This would be sooo much fun!! And someday they really would be, too!!

"Married…," he took a step or two back as she advanced with that bright look in her eyes again.

"Here, see. We have to give each other a kiss first."

Mary blinked for a second at the hand Peter lifted up expectantly, halting her intention to give him a big hug and kiss. Right. She smacked her hand to her forehead. A kiss was a thimble and a thimble was a kiss to Peter. Or was it the other way around? This part Mary always got mixed up.

"Oh! Aye… Just, hold on, Pe-ta. Hmm. Where is…" the girl fruitlessly searched for her nonexistent pockets and, more importantly, thimble. Looking up, she discovered Peter's back was to her. And, if she was seeing correctly over his shoulder, he was exchanging thimbles with Wendy. Her Pe-ta!

This would not do! She was the fairest of them all! He shouldn't turn from her! She was going to become Mrs. Mary Susanna Pan someday! She wouldn't let her man be stolen right from under her nose! Out came the bottom lip, trembling, _quivering_, and tears welling up in her wide eyes, turning them a violet color. No one could resist the sad, pretty picture she made. Especially once she started crying. It always did the trick. She took a deep breath. "Wa—"

"I should like to give you a thimble."

…

Mary's head was still thrown back, mouth wide open, not a peek coming out. WHAT?! She was supposed to be a step ahead, not behind that sneaking Wendy-girl!

"HEY! NOOOO!" she wailed in perfect dramatic tones. Swiftly she grabbed Peter and spun him around to face her. "He's **_mine!_** My Pe-ta—"

"Peter Pan!" the boy broke in, highly offended, straightening to his full height.

"I do wha…whatever you said." Sparing a quick glare at Wendy, Mary's face turned into the expression of sweetness and adoration as she focused on Peter. "Kissy, kissy!" And she shut her eyes, puckered up her lips, and leaned forward.

Mary regrettably failed to get her thimble/kiss. For at that moment something yanked hard on her hair and dragged her away from Peter. Back, back, back she was pulled. All the way out the nursery window.

When the two other children rushed to the window to see what had become of her – Wendy with proper horror even if she disliked the girl, Peter with curiosity even if he was glad she was gone (scary she was) – all they saw was a light rain of pink sparkles falling outside and Nana barking while a ball of light tinkled with great satisfaction.


	3. Shoot the Birdie

Shoot the Birdie

Mary Susanna Crawford was in a bad mood. And as always, she looked as wonderful as ever, no matter what mood she was in. The cause for her current state was that she was not with Peter Pan.

Earlier, not long after finally reaching Neverland, she, Peter, and the other children had been fired on by Long Tom, the Jolly Roger's well-serving cannon. It had been very scary and exciting. Like something from a novel. Only in the novel there would be a brief, passionate moment between the hero and heroine, with declarations of love, before the hero saw his lady to safety. In reality, instead, Peter taunted the pirates below, always slipping out of Mary's grasp when she tried to cling or speak to him. He did not even see her to safety. Rather, he barked an order at Tink to lead everyone away while he stayed behind to take care of the pirates. He had not spared her a glance or loving word, nor did he linger for her to declare she would give her life to help him. Only the wind, fairy, and children heard her, brokenhearted to leave behind her true love, cry, "Come back to me!"

Her woes continued from there. Despite her claim of being able to fly as quickly as anyone in Neverland, it was terribly hard at the moment to keep up with Tink, who was really taking off.

Now this wasn't as troubling as you might think. You see, Mary Susanna had recently read her copy of _Peter Pan_ and knew exactly what was coming up. Shoot the Wendy-bird! It was times like this it was truly wonderful not being an original character in the book: knowing how everything would play out; when to enjoy the ride; and when to intervene. Such as stealing a certain chain with a certain "kiss" on it... Bye-bye, indeed, Wendy-bird! Hello, Mother Mary!

"Oh the cleverness of me!" our wannabe heroine crowed perfectly to herself (she had learned from the best).

The only tiny hitch to her plan was that Tink was nearly out of sight, making it difficult to know where the fairy would land and thus avoid that area until the drama was over. _It would have been so much easier if Tink had believed I was on her side and we could have worked together at getting rid of Wendy_, Mary worried to herself.

Hitch number two – little bigger than number one – was that Mary was flying ahead of Wendy and her brothers. In the case she did not know where not to fly, there was a bit of a chance she might get hit by one of the Lost Boys' arrows when they obeyed "Peter's orders." So it may have been wise to drop behind the other children.

However, Mary was not aware of this problem, but instead focused entirely on keeping Tink in sight (which she was failing miserably at). Even if she had realized the possibility, she may have brushed it away. _She_ was the one wearing the acorn button that, if need be, would save her life (she would be taking over Wendy's role, remember?). Plus, while bragging to be a terrific flyer, she had a bit of trouble when it came to slowing down and going into reverse without coming to a complete stop and, eh…_dropping_.

Suddenly, right on cue, far below was a chorus of excited shouts, in unison a TWANG of bow strings releasing arrows, and a grand ZING-HISS as said arrows raced up towards the helpless children.

"Noooo!" Mary cried with despair. She hated pointy objects, and pain. She could not handle any type of pain! Just the sight of blood made her faint. Then, just before she settled into super-hyper panic mode, she remembered: the acorn button.

"Like, yeah!!" she hooted. "I am the girl!"

Down below, the boys, along with Tink, watched their arrows find their targets. Slighty's hit the strange flamingo which exploded with a large BANG and dazzling pink shapes before fading away. The bird was never recovered. Tootles' arrow hit the Wendy-bird which fluttered for a moment more and then fell to the jungle floor. Once found, it was discovered to be a lady who was saved from being killed by the "kiss" on her chain which had taken the brunt of the arrow's impact. A happy ending for nearly all involved.

For you see, something even as small as an acorn button knows where it does and does not belong in the story of _Peter Pan_. And woe to you if you dare cross one!

THE END


End file.
